What Could Have Been
by kitten63
Summary: A tale in which Hermione ponders her life and seceret love for Harry that ends with both of them confronting each other about their feelings for one another. It starts and ends the same day as the epilogue.
1. Chapter 1

I don't know how my life ended up like this. I've been struggling for years but it really hit me today when Ron and I sent Rose off to Hogwarts for the first time. In a few years it will be Hugo's turn and then I fear I will be truly alone

because my marriage to Ron is as good as over in my eyes. He probably doesn't even know it though. I'm sure he thinks that everything is fine and that I'm just as happy to be married as he is. I'm not though and I haven't been for

years. The children kept me up for a long time but now they're getting older and don't need me as much. Now that Rose is gone it's going to be really hard for me to keep up this facade. It made me so happy to be around her everyday,

se reminded me so much of myself at that age. My baby boy Hugo is more like his father,always smiling and being mischievous. He's such a joy to be around. When he leaves for Hogwarts I'll have no one around to make me happy and

then all cracks in my life are going to start showing. When I was younger I had a vision of how my life would be and this is not what I had in mind. The wonderful children and great career,yes but not everything else,least of all not being

in love with my own husband. Neither was being in love with someone else for my entire marriage or having that someone be Harry Potter. The best friend and brother- in -law of my husband. He used to be my best friend too but now

we barely speak to one another anymore. Unlike a lot of things in my life though I know exactly how that happened. We stopped talking because on the day that he and Ginny announced their engagement,I realised that I was in love

with him. I knew that we could never be together,he was engaged and Ron and I were sure to be next. I was sure he didn't feel the same way about me,how could he? Not when he had someone as beautiful,smart and athletic as Ginny

in his life. Even if he somehow returned my feelings there was no way we would have done anything about it because we were already in committed relationships and it would just hurt everyone involved. So I did the only thing I could. I

kept my distance and hoped that my feelings for him would dissapear. I had no such luck, if anything my feelings got stronger. I was at the point where my every thought revolved around him. I dreamt about him incessantly. It was

getting out of hand. I wanted him and that was never going to happen so I sank into a mini state of depression. Somehow no one seemed to notice except him of course. He always noticed everything about me. One night at the Burrow

when we were all having dinner I slipped away into the yard. He followed me and demamded to know why I looked so sad lately. I just made up some flimsy excuse about being tired because of work, I wasn't sad at all. I could tell he

didn't buy it but he dropped it at my insistence. After that I tried my best to cover up my depression as best as I could. A few months later Ron proposed and I accepted because it was what everyone expected. Besides he loved me and

even though I wasn't in love with him anymore I still loved him as a friend and he was the only one who stood a chance of making me even remotely happy. Harry's wedding day was one of the most painful days of my life. I was the maid

of honour and I stood right behind Ginny. I heard all the emotions in their voices as they spoke their vows and I saw the joy on his face up close. It killed me to be standing there,so close to everything. When they were pronounced as

husband and wife something broke inside of me. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore and the came pouring out, my shoulders were burning and I couldn't breathe. It was one of the hardest moments of my life to act like my tears were

that of joy,to embrace them and offer my congratulations. I still don't know how I made it through the ceremony because all I could think about was how I wish it were me he was marrying and not Ginny. Every time I saw them together

after that, knowing that they were joined for life brought on wave after wave of endless grief. It was like seeing the thing you wanted most in the world dangled right in front of you but knowing that it belonged to someone else and

knowing that you would never possess it. God it hurt but I had to put on a brave face and move on with my life or else this obsession would drive me insane. I married Ron not long after that and my wedding day was the most difficult

day of my life. I hated having to fake my excitment and happiness. I thought about running a million times. Running away and never coming back. Then I would never have to see his face again and be reminded of what I could never have.

I couldn't do it though. Ron didn't deserve to be hurt that way. So I went through with it. I forced myself to smile at Ron and to say my vows. Harry was Ron's best man,he stood right behind him and I had to fight the urge to look at him,

I knew if I did I would lose my nerve. When it was over and everyone was hugging us and offering congratulations and he hugged me I thought I would die. What a twisted parody of my fantasies. It was my wedding ,I was in a wedding

dress,he was in a tux and we were married and hugging each other. My fantasy was so close in that moment but yet impossibly far. Later during the reception he danced with me and it was the same thing all over again,dancing with him

at my wedding but not the way I wanted to. I hoped the dance would end quickly and put me out of my misery but part of me never wanted to let him go. Ron and I left for our honeymoon the same night. It was a good honeymoon

considering everything I was feeling, I think it had to do with the fact that Harry wasn't there. I knew it wouldn't last though because as soon as we went home and I saw him again all my feelings would come rushing back with full force.

We went home and it was a constant struggle to get through everyday. I didn't know how I could keep this up or how the pain could get any worse. I had my answer about how the pain could get worse a few months later when Ginny

announced she was pregnant. I felt like my whole world came crashing down around me. Wasn't it enough that she had him as her husband , now she was going to have his child? I would have to watch as she grew bigger and see the

love and excitement on his face. I knew how much he wanted a family and now his dream was coming true and I had no part in it. I was just his sister-in-law now,we were barely friends. The distance between us had already set in.

I should have been happy about that,after all I did everything I could to avoid him. I realised I regreted pushing him away though because he would have still been my friend. A litte bit of Harry in my life as a friend was better than no

Harry at all. It would even be worth the anguish I felt later. The months went by and Ginny gave birth to James. We were all at Saint Mungos when she gave birth. I remember when Harry brought him out for everyone to see,the pride

and happiness on his face was umistakable. I found that despite the overwhelming sadness I was feeling at not being the mother of his child I was still really happy for him,he deserved a great family so much and now he had one.

I loved baby sitting James whenever they asked me to. Being around him made me aware of how much I wanted a baby of my own. When I approached Ron about it he agreed enthusiastiaclly. After a few months of trying nothing

happened and we were beginning to worry but then it happened. I couldn't believe it,I was going to be a mother! Everyone was really happy for us. Soon after Ginny announced she was pregnant again. It didn't bother me at all because

I had my own beautiful baby to look forward to. The months flew by and I grew more and more excited. For the first time during my marriage I was truly hapy. Rose's birth was a hectic event. We weren't expecting her for another two

weeks and Ron was away on business. I was at the Burrow having dinner with the family when my water broke. The pain was intense and I was scared and Ron wasn't there, I was so confused. Harry was there and of course he took

charge. He picked me up and took me to Saint Mungo's. Everyone came along except Ron of course. I was admitted and given a room. The pain got worse and worse and my screams became louder. There he was again, holding my hand

and comforting me. It was such a twisted turn of events, him helping me like it was his child. He was so sweet through the whole thing,it was like we were best friends again. I knew it wouldn't last but I didn't care, I had him right there

with me and I was going to hold on to those moments forever. When the moment of her birth came the pain was excruciating and he was right there with me, talking me through it. Then she came out and the first time I saw her se was in

his arms. He handed her to me and I swore I saw tears in his eyes. In that moment it was as if we were a real family. She was so beautiful,she had her father's red hair. That brought me back to reality and for a moment I was ashamed

for wishing that Harry was her father. Holding her therewith him by my side was and still is the happiest most perfect moment of my life. He took her out to meet everyone and then Ron arrived. He was so happy when I saw him,he was

holding her. We took her home two days later. It was wonderful,I was so overjoyed. For the first month I was happy everyday,nothing could bring me down. Two months after Rose was born Ginny gave birth to Albus. It seemed that

things were perfect in our family and for a time the were but as the freshness of the new baby wore off things got back to normal for me. I loved my baby more than everything but it still wasn't enough to ease the pain of loving him.

Life went on as normal for years after that. I had Hugo and Ron was there for the birth this time and a few weeks later Ginny had Lily. Those first months after Hugo's birth were the last time I was blissfully happy without a thought of

Harry. It's been almost ten years after his birth and even longer since I married Ron. I hate myself for being unhappy almost all that time and for betraying Ron by loving another man. The heart wants what the heart wants though and

mine wants Harry. Ron went to work after we left the train station and Harry and Ginny took Hugo and Lily to the Burrow to see Arthur and Molly. I'm at home depressing myself by thinking of Harry. This was going to be a long few months

untill I see Rose again. I miss her already. I hear someone at the door. I open it and to my surprise it's Harry.


	2. Chapter 2

He's smiling at me and I feel my self go weak in the knees. "Hello Hermione", he says. I can't talk. Say something for god sakes I tell my self.

"Hi, Harry", I say in a small voice.

"Can I come on?" He asks.

"Of Course", I reply.

He's in the house just standing there. This is really akward, it's the first time we've been alone together in god knows how long.

"Well, sit down", I say.

"Thanks", he says and sits. He looks kind of nervous. I wonder why he's here.

"So what brings you by?"I ask trying to sound indifferent and failing miserably.

"Well, I uh, I need to talk to you about something", he manages to choke out.

"About what?" I ask.

He looks like he regrets coming over. He's clearing his throat.

"What I want to talk to you about has been on my mind for over ten years now and it's going to be difficult and painful but one of us has to broach the subject and it might as well be me", he replies sounding more confident.

Suddenly I'm the nervous one. I don't like the direction this conversation is headed.

"Do you have an plans for now or later today?" He asks.

"No", I reply.

"Good because this could take a while to hash out. Ron's at work,Ginny's out for the day and the kids are at the Burrow so we have all afternoon."

"I'll start at the beginning. You and I used to be best friends,we were so close to each other but for years now we act like strangers to one another."

"It really hit me hard todaybecause we sent our kids off to school today and it was such an important moment in our lives and we didn't even say two words to each other. The old us would have talked about it and what we felt."

"I'm pretty sure the distance between us started right after Ginny and I got engaged."

"You started to avoid me and I wasn't sure what your reasons were for doing it but I knew what mine were for letting you."

Well this is a shock to me. "You let me avoid you?" I ask.

"Yes I did. I knew you well enough to see it but the others didn't seem to notice" , he replied.

"If you knew why did you let it continue? Didn't you want be around me anymore? I ask feeling slightly hurt.

"Of course I wanted to be around you, as I said before I had my reasons for letting you avoid me", he replies.

"Well what were you reasons?" I ask.

"It's complicated", he sighed.

"Complicated how?"

"Okay I came over here to to talk and I will but you have to promise me that you will too and I mean about everything,don't leave anything out." He says.

"Okay", I reply hoping I don't regret it.

"Good", he says.

"You know I love you right ?"

"I know you _used_ to love me", I reply.

"I can see how you would think that after all I haven't acted like it for a long time now", he says with a sad smile.

"I do though, I really do. More than I have any right to actually but it's what I feel and I can't change that",he says.

By the look on his face I think he was dying to get that out. He looks so relieved. What does he mean though,loving me more than he has any right to? I'm scared to ask but I will because I have to know.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I mean that I'm in love with you Hermione", he replies in voice laced with feelings.

Oh my god. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I've waited so long to hear those words from him but never like this. I'm tearing up now.

"You are?"

"Yes I am."

"How long ?", I say in a whisper.

"I don't know when it started but I realised it when Ron came back to us after he left during the war."

"That long", I say in a shocked voice.

"Why didn't you say something. You realised our whole lives could have been different if you had don't you?

I'm crying now. It's just too much.

"You really think so?" Would you have given up Ron and could I have broken Ginny's heart? How do you think the entire Weasley family would have reacted to us getting into a relationship?" He lets out.

"I see your point but still nothing was certain then, we were in the middle of a war and things change in a war, people change. Yes they would have been hurt but people can't help their feelings and if they really cared about us they

would have understood and accepted in the end. We didn't have any committments to them then, not like when I realised that _I _was in love with you. I was in a solid relationship with Ron and you had just gotten engaged. It was your

engagement that made me realise it because when you told us I felt an inexplicable pain in my heart at you marrying her and I knew it could only mean one thing. It was too late for us then though because we were in too deep with Ron

and Ginny."

He's actually smiling at my revalation.

"Why are you smiling? Aren't you upset that I'm in love with you or that I didn't tell you?" I say perplexed.

"No I'm not upset and I understood why you didn't tell me. You don't know how long I've waited to hear you say that to me. That's why I'm smiling because I'm happy."

"All these years I suspected it,why would you start avoiding me rigt after I got engaged? It could only mean that you had feelings for me and you didn't want to hurt yourself by being around me. And my wedding, I will never forget the

sound of you softly crying through the whole thing. I almost decided to stop the wedding and tell you right then and there that I loved you. I couldn't do it of course. Now to hear conformation of your love instead of just speculating on it

makes me so happy because I would have wondered about it forever."

I can't believe this. He loves me,he actually loves me and he's happy that I love him too. If only things had been different,we could have been so happy together.

"Oh,Harry. I wish that things had been different. We could have been together instead of being like this."

"I know but this is where we are and we have to accept it."

"Yes, your'e right but it doesn't make it any easier."

"No it doesn't", he replied.

"Well now you know why I let you avoid me. It was to protect both of our feelings."

"It didn't work though.I still got hurt pretty badly almost everytime that I was around you and I tortured myself with thoughts of you when I wasn't around you", I say.

"Yeah, it was like that for me too."

"I still think about you everyday you know. I still wish that it was your face instead of Ron's that I wake up to every morning."

"You and me both Hermione,you and me both."

"God I love you", he sighed.

"I know,I love you too", I say and smile .

"Even though we'll most likely never be together I'm stll glad you told me. Today's in the top three of the happiest days of my life and I will treasure and remember it always", I say to him.

"I'm really glad I told you too. After the births of my children this is my happiest day ever and I will cherish it forever."

"I know that your top two best days are definitely when your kids were born right?

"Yes they are. Rose's birth is number one and Hugo's is number two, they would have been equally as happy but the one difference is that you were with me when Rose was born. I feel really guilty about feeling this way sometimes but

it's just the way I feel you know."

"I know and you have nothing to feel guilty about, you can't control these things. For me Rose's birth will always be special and close to my heart. I love her just like she was my own and Hugo too. How could I not after all you are their

mother. After Rose was born and they put her in my arms that moment felt so perfect, it seemed right in every way. I could almost believe she was mine,I wanted her to be so badly.'

"I love your kids just like that too and yes Rose's birth was so perfect for us wasn't it? I knew she was Ron's but it was so easy to fool myself because you were there doing all the things that he was supposed to be doing and it all felt so

right. When you handed her to me and I saw the look of love on your face I knew that you were meant to be there for me because we weren't going to have children together and that was the closest we were ever going to come to

having a family with each other. That will always be the most perfect moment of my life."

"Come here", he says and pulls me into the most lovely hug.

"I've always wanted to do this to you and see how it feels" he breathes into my ear.

His kiss feels amazing. It's like nothing I've ever felt before, easily the best kiss of my life.

We relucantly break the kiss to come up for air. We're both grinning from ear to ear.

"Well how did it feel?,I ask.

"It was wonderful. Everything I thought it would be and so much more. It was worth the wait", he replies.

"I was", I agree.

"I guess that's all then,everything's out in the open now."

"Yes it is. I guess I should go now."

"Yes,I suppose so. It I'll be different between us now right? We'll talk and spend more time together?"

"Of course."

I'm walking him to the door now. When we get there he turns to me and says "I know we'll never be together but we'll always have today and that will have to be enough."

"It will be, it will be enough forever and just know that I will love you until my dying day."

"As I will love you", he replies.

"Goodbye then Harry", I say.

"Goodbye my love" he says and leaves.

What a visit that was. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine anything like it. It was pefrect and I'm so happy that everythin's out in the open now. I know it won't change anything on the outside because nobody knows but us but

we'll always have today in our hearts and memories and it will be as he said enough for us. For now and until the end of time.


End file.
